


A Drunk Man’s Words (Are A Sober Man’s Thoughts)

by Zenrock



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol, Angst, Kissing, Love/Hate, M/M, Series Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 16:42:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20312710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenrock/pseuds/Zenrock
Summary: Kazuhira Miller finds out the truth of Venom Snake’s identity. He isn’t the Big Boss he used to know, and the real man has left to build a military power on his own. It leaves Kaz with pain, questions, and most of all unfinished business. He needs to confront his old comrade to get closure, but the reunion doesn’t quite go as he’d hoped.Set post-TPP





	A Drunk Man’s Words (Are A Sober Man’s Thoughts)

**Author's Note:**

> :”)

Their partnership. Everything they worked for. It came crumbling down in that moment.

“V isn’t the real Big Boss, Kazuhira.”

He sat in his office for a long time after that conversation. It gave him a lot to think about; too much, to be entirely truthful. Things seemed to be fine between the two of them as those twenty-four months went on. They were together through it all. Their nomadic lifestyle, striking a deal for the offshore base they’d claim, fighting to protect Costa Rica and the rest of the world, then the militia built from the ground up being blown apart. Nine years. Nine years was spent trying to keep the heat off his comrade after that incident. He thought it was him again, after so many months, when he was rescued.

Now he finds out it’s been the man’s counterfeit through that mission and till the present.

Was it his fault? Something he may have said? Perhaps it was something he did. Or it could’ve been something he didn’t do! Miller wracked his brain in the middle of writing out paperwork, struggling to come up with an answer for the abandonment. It outraged him when he first got wind of it. To think, the man he worked with, the man he trusted, the man he _loved_, just up and left! Not only did he leave everyone behind, but he had forced someone else to take his place! 

The rage that boiled inside of him spewed out in his writing. More pressure was put on his pen and his strokes were far more forceful than they should have been. A handful of minutes ticked by before he finally noticed it, thus causing him to stop altogether. Clouded eyes glossed over the sheet being worked on. Once the pen clattered on the desk Kazuhira urged himself to take a few deep breaths, allowing his resentment to eventually dispel itself. In its place formed misery, something he was far too acquainted with by now. Trying to make sense of that man’s means or methods was a lost cause. Accepting it for what it was is all the XO could do.

Time passed on in Miller’s office after he calmed down. There came a soft knock on the door to the work space, and something told him he already knew who it was. “Come in,” he answered.

Sure enough, Venom turned the doorknob and stepped inside. His movements were cautious as he closed the door behind him. He was acting like a child who did something they shouldn’t have and had to tell their guardian. It seemed as though he thought Kazuhira was mad at him, taking heedful steps towards the mildly disheveled man. V knew the truth, Kaz knew the truth, and it made interactions gradually more uncomfortable.

Eventually sighing, Diamond Dogs’ executive officer turned his chair around completely to face his higher up. Doing so was significantly different now, knowing Big Boss wasn’t actually here. “I’m not upset with you, V. You can relax,” his voice came. It was soft and hushed, aiming to console Snake.

The brunette’s posture grew less stiff once he had heard that. He visibly unwound, somewhat, though he remained alert when he took another step forward. Starting a conversation about how you were someone’s doppelgänger proved to be a challenge, to say the least. So he opted to follow his intuition and treated it like any other conversation.

“I, uh… how are you holding up, Kaz?” Venom began. Awkward as it may have been it was a start.

Kazuhira had to choose his words carefully. Telling V he was alright would make him feel better, but ultimately he’d be lying. The poor man had enough lies for a lifetime. Honestly, he was more concerned for him than he was himself. Sure, Miller had lost his best partner, but Snake had lost so much more than that. “His old self” was only putting it lightly, and it made Kaz’s heart ache knowing it now.

“...I’m hanging in there, I guess,” Snake’s blonde comrade began. “I should really be asking you how you’re holding up.”

V gave him a shrug after hardly any seconds. Whether he was repressing it or he didn’t know what to think yet, his friend couldn’t tell. It was hard to look him in the eye after everything he learned merely hours ago.

V went on about what he had remembered. There was the mission, the attack on mother base, Paz’s death that led to the explosion, and then the crash. These details helped Miller piece together who exactly “Boss” was. He was the medic in Mastodon’s helicopter, the one who had removed one of two bombs contained in the young woman. The information helped to explain why he had piqued interest in what was going on at the Medical Platform more times than not. Certain parts were fuzzy or severed completely from the amnesiac’s memory, part of the hypnotherapy they assumed, and so Kaz filled in the bits that were missing.

Sooner than Venom would’ve hoped, he was called to a group CQC training session. He had thanked his comrade for not being upset with him, implying he had felt it was his fault unfortunately, before quietly exiting the man’s office. Now Kazuhira was left with even more to ponder on. Between his own questions and the Phantom’s experience in all this, his mind was on the verge of an overload. ‘Good luck sleeping tonight’, he’d tell himself after his worries took the helm.

Breakfast was a requirement whether the neo-militia’s XO was hungry or not. Forget being able to sleep the night before, he couldn’t focus on his work during the day for more than five seconds without everything from yesterday smacking him in the back of the head. Kazuhira’s unanswered questions decided they wanted to bring friends this time around, too. Suffocating was the only adjective he could use to describe it by this point. His mood fluctuated throughout the day and, by his own choice, he stayed in his office for the last half of it. Three or four soldiers who were closer to him than most checked up on him periodically. He’d tell each of them the same thing.

“I’m alright. I’ve just got a lot more on my shoulders than my head,” Miller would joke.

Though the longer the evening felt like it lasted, the more Kaz’s mind would wander. He needed closure. He needed to know if it was his accountability. He needed to know if it wasn’t. He needed answers in general, but contacting the douchebag himself turned into something he couldn’t do nearly a decade ago. If there was someone that could contact him, however, it would be the last person that saw him.

Ocelot.

Who, was also one of the many men the half-Japanese commander despised.

His personal feelings had to be put aside in favor of his well being and peace of mind. That was one of the arguments waged in his brain as he debated on confronting him well into the night. He later concluded that his issue couldn’t wait. Miller would end up dying trying to find the reasons on his own. His psyche demanded answers just as much as his heart did. So, not very far from 0230, Kazuhira marched out of his office and made his way towards Shalashaska’s. If he was awake, he’d make his presence known. If he was asleep, he didn’t care. In his eyes, Ocelot didn’t have the right to be able to sleep with knowing how much damage he’s caused.

After his cane was set against the wall, Kaz balled his hand into a fist and bashed it against the door four or five times. A raspy “I’m awake” is what he heard a moment later. There might’ve been a sharp _“now”_ added thereafter, but Ocelot bit his tongue if that was the case.

His door creaked open, and Miller met a disheveled spy with sleep in his eyes. “What are you doing here at this hour?” Adamska questioned not a second after a yawn.

Kazuhira’s eyes narrowed quickly. His brows knitted together and his tone turned cold as ice. “I’m restless, I need answers, and you know how to get them.”

Huffing instantly, the tactical instructor leaned upon his inner doorframe. He had just woken up, due to a sudden disruption clearly, and had no clue as to what his acquaintance was getting at.

The other blonde man gave him no time to answer, taking the exhale as one enough. “I don’t need a snappy attitude, Ocelot! Now tell me where he is!”

That caused the agent’s eyebrows to fly up. It snapped him awake immediately, and at that exact time he knew why Kaz was raising his voice in front of his door. Hearing the spiteful officer demand the location of his ex threw Shalashaska through a loop. He had to double check, just to be sure, and when he knew he heard him right that’s when Kazuhira’s colleague was truly shocked.

“_You_, want to see _Big Boss_, just a day after you were told the _truth?_” Adam reiterated, dumbfounded.

Miller didn’t plan on repeating himself, and he made it known once he reached for his cane and took a powerful step forward. Either he would be given coordinates peacefully, or he’d go rummaging through someone’s things. Diamond Dogs’ main instructor was then promptly forced to clarify that he didn’t know where Big Boss went once he rode off to pick up V. That wasn’t an acceptable answer for his associate, though, and his impositions only became stronger. This soon caused Ocelot to finally cave and attempt making contact with the real legend, before things got out of hand. It wasn’t as though he felt threatened by Miller, he simply wanted to crawl back into his bed.

Seconds passed. Minutes passed. What felt like hours of murmuring and whispers passed before the ex triple agent returned to Kazuhira. Evidently, Ocelot left many things out from the conversation. Those of which went assumed as insults Adamska didn’t feel like saying for the brunette. His talk was molded into a synopsis that lead to Kaz discovering that the real Boss had been staying in a bar for some time.

Miller turned on his heel and practically stomped down the hallway. There was nothing left now but to go meet the man face to face. Adam hollered after him, asking if he had planned to go there tonight. He wasn’t given a reply and by then he didn’t care. The door closed and Ocelot set off to his bed.

Pequod may have been asleep, as Kazuhira should’ve been at this hour. Such a thing never stopped him before, though, and it certainly wouldn’t stop him now. One of the night patrols watched their sub-commander march out onto the helipad. They knew better than to question his antics and kept on their path.

Miller stood and waited for the helicopter to arrive. Some could say he was acting on impulse. He’d tell them this was something he should have done a long time ago. Unfortunately, with his current state there would be no way picking a fight with his former partner would provide a good outcome. One of them would end up dying, and it would be Kazuhira. So, he had to resort to the next best thing. Words. Words that cut like a knife. Words that could leave scars till the day Big Boss drew his last breath. He’d throw everything he’s done for the mercenary in his face and leave without giving him a chance to explain. Because he didn’t deserve the chance to explain. What he deserved was death.

There was a voice that rang through noisy speakers while the vengeful XO planned his not-so-friendly reunion. It sounded tired, groggy, though quite alert all the same. “This is Pequod! I’m on station at LZ!”

Kaz glanced up when the sound dragged him out of his own head. He caught the aircraft lowering itself down and began making his way towards it. There was a soldier on scene ready to help the executive officer in. Miller was reluctant, but forced himself to accept the assistance anyway. He took note of a few other soldiers inside, who promptly saluted him while they were seated. Their pilot must’ve assumed this was a serious matter for not only the commander to be calling him, but for it to be this early in the morning. Pequod glanced back at him, silently asking for their next landing point. Snappish, the interracial man gave him the coordinates before seating himself. It was going to be a long, tense ride.

A village, it seemed. Worn, though not by the ever active war zone. Miraculously, it had looked untouched by the conflict entirely. Big Boss’ doing, surely. The people might’ve been taking their nearly guaranteed safety as payment for how much alcohol he’s no-doubt bought. Miller caught a few children heading straight for the bar once the helicopter came into view. Routine for them to do when they catch wind of a hostile, he assumed.

There was a mound of sand just beyond the coordinates Pequod was given. Coincidentally enough it was the perfect size for a helipad. Kaz’s old business affinity had time to prepare. Wouldn’t dare walk outside to greet him, however. Miller didn’t even know why he expected him to. Too drunk to stand? Either that, or he was trying to avoid his problems as best as he could. Typical for him. Pathetic, really. Twenty years and not once has he accepted anything or let what’s happened go.

Maybe Kazuhira just couldn’t relate. Maybe he just didn’t know what it was like. Still, twenty years is twenty years. Ten of those he’d try excusing tonight as Miller was aided out of the aircraft. He received a “be careful” from the soldier who was abetting him to and from, the concern barely masked in his voice. His XO reassured him that his now enemy would need that more than him, and began his march to the pub.

Filthy. That would be a proper adjective for the place. Handfuls of people pooled around tables, evidently drinking like fish. Some of them were lying on the floor, passed out. Jazz was playing softly from a jukebox towards the back. It was like a stereotypical alehouse, filled with incoherent laughter and numerous glass clinks. Kazuhira had almost forgotten why he was here. Almost. A lone man at the counter caught his attention last second. He didn’t even need a another glance to know it was _Him_. Leather jacket and all. The people around them must’ve noticed Kaz was staring at their “savior,” for they stopped everything they were doing after some minutes elapsed. One by one they began grabbing their things and leaving. Those who wouldn’t wake up were dragged outside. Big Boss must’ve warned them of the blonde man’s arrival. A minute was all it took before the building was empty, including the bartender. 

It was just the two of them now. Alone, with nothing but the rage boiling up to Miller’s ears. He wanted to go up to the aging soldier and strangle him right then and there. Save the speech. His blood on Kazuhira’s hand would’ve been repayment enough.

No. He couldn’t do that. _Ishmael_ would knock him on his ass before he’d get his hand even remotely close to his neck. Yet Kazuhira knew that would be the first thing he’d try doing as soon as he got within arm’s length. That was all he _needed_ to do.

“It’s been quite a long time, hasn’t it,” Big Boss finally spoke, breaking the ice for both of them.

Kaz froze as soon as it hit his ears. Hearing that voice, come from that man. He was so accustomed to hearing that deep tone in a soft, gentle manner. This? This was cold, dead, far more buffeted by the years of cigar smoke passing through his lungs. Every fiber in his being screamed out in rejection.

He didn’t say anything in return. Not yet. The click of his cane drawing closer was the only response Big Boss was given. Snake waited until his old acquaintance got close enough to see him before promptly downing the rest of his beer. The brunette looked like a wreck, never mind feeling like one. Some of the liquid dribbled down his beard. He didn’t bother with it.

Kazuhira was revolted to say the very least. This was what became of the man he used to respect. This alcohol reeking husk was all that was left of him. He couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“How long have you been here, Big Boss?” Ishmael’s younger rival sneered. The bite in his tone was sharp, especially when he said his government assigned name.

It didn’t seem to affect him, though. Operation: Snake Eater’s man of legend merely stared at the bottom of his glass as he answered. “Awhile. I lost track of time after the first couple of days.” His words came out hoarse and faint, like it was painful for him to speak.

If it was, his former comrade felt no sympathy. He scowled down at Big Boss as his questions continued. “Right, because you’ve drank yourself into a lifeless hull, correct?”

Miller was trying to push Vic Boss’ buttons right off the bat, but his normal methods weren’t cutting it. His darker haired enemy kept his voice at the same tone and level.

“That’s about right, yeah.”

Diamond Dogs’ executive officer was already fuming before he had arrived. Big Boss’ short responses were only adding fuel to the fire. The bubbling anger got the best of him and everything came tumbling out at once. His voice rose just as he opened his mouth.

“Did you think it was funny, to go galavanting off when Cipher destroyed our family? Did you think that was just an okay thing to do after everything that happened? I thought we had a plan, Big Boss! You and I were going to stick together through the twenty-first century! What happened to that, huh? Did it mean nothing to you? Was it all some sick mind game?”

Ishmael’s eye widened momentarily. Kazuhira’s outburst caught him off guard, and this was only the beginning of it.

“Ten years! I worked tirelessly for ten years to keep Cipher and the CIA off your pathetic back! I lost one of my fucking arms and one of my fucking legs for keeping my mouth shut about whatever the hell you were off doing! And what’s the thanks I get? You, bailing out on me and everyone else!”

Snake’s eye held its gaze on his empty bottle as his old partner shouted. This needed to be said, and he wasn’t about to interrupt him.

Miller would have gone on whether Boss butted in or not. “I trusted you! I _loved_ you! I gave you everything I had only for you to throw it to the wind a decade later! Do you have any idea how much damage that does to a person, Big Boss? Will you ever-,” he had to pause. That dastardly lump he swore to himself he wouldn’t let form grasped onto Kazuhira’s throat as he was starting to choke up. There was a shallow breath that came from the younger man in an attempt to ground himself before going any further. His tone became sharper and hushed from then on.

“...Will you ever fully understand all the pain and suffering you’ve caused me, or is it just going to be another thing added to your pile of issues?”

His anger was steadily beginning to subside, and in its place came sadness and confusion. Hearing all three mixed in his voice at once was awful for the intoxicated mercenary. Combining that unsettled intonation and the harsh strike at a few of his nerves in one sentence got Big Boss to glance at him then. He didn’t say anything. There really wasn’t much to say. All he could do was stare.

Kaz stiffened up when his ex partner turned his head. Part of him thought Ishmael was going to attack, but when he didn’t he relaxed some. His lone, blue eye bore into him just like it would all those years ago. Even after their time apart he knew just where Miller’s eyes were beyond the aviators. It didn’t stop the man from staring back. He wasn’t afraid of a legend, he knew that legend better than any other living person. ...Or, he thought he did.

This didn’t feel right. Kazuhira came here for a fight, not an one sided shouting contest. Why was he just staring at him? Why wouldn’t he say anything?

“Answer me, goddamnit!”

Snake jumped slightly at that. He quit staring afterward, averting his gaze from the mixed fighter and bringing it back to his vacant glass. Silence was the only thing shared between them for several minutes while the XO glared at him before he eventually spoke. “I’m not answering because I don’t have one you’d be satisfied with. You came here for closure, right? You won’t be getting whatever you’re expecting.”

Miller was beyond outraged by this point. His cane was shaking with how tightly he was gripping it. He was just one wrong tone away from dropping everything and decking him square in the nose. “Say it anyway,” he shouted. He didn’t care what the reason was, he just wanted one! Running in circles around his brain trying to find it himself was going to drive him insane!

A soft thrumming sound followed after Kazuhira’s rage fueled hollering. Ishmael was tapping his middle finger against the bottle. Was he finally getting irritated? Kaz couldn’t tell, and with how infuriated he was he could care less. He was about to stomp his cane onto the floor before he noticed Snake stopped making noise with the beverage container. His head tilted back towards the other man’s direction and Big Boss frowned.

“I panicked. I had my suspicions about being hunted down before, and MSF’s destruction only proved me right. Leaving was my only option in order to prevent another attack. So, I acted on my survival instinct and had Ahab take my place.”

Snake stared at Miller for a handful of extra seconds after he said that, gauging his reaction. He wasn’t expecting it to be very good, and he was right. Kazuhira was on the verge of throwing his cane at the older man’s head. It wasn’t a good enough answer for him, it only made him feel far more worthless than he already did. He wanted to keep shouting at the inebriated shell of a man, but after everything that’s happened within the last day and trying to get answers out of him now, he didn’t have the energy left. There wasn’t a point in yelling anymore.

Kaz’s voice lowered to a more building-friendly volume. Misery took the reins from his anger once more, showing itself to be far more prominent in his tone. “So, what? You threw everyone away to save your own skin? You burned all of your bridges in order to ensure your own safety? Is that what you’re saying?”

It pained Big Boss to hear how upset his old comrade was, so much so that he couldn’t bring himself to hold his gaze on him. If his erstwhile companion was looking for a direct answer, Ishmael couldn’t give him that either. Reiterating his earlier statement was the lone thing he could muster. “I told you, you wouldn’t be satisfied.”

Not one ounce of remorse was detected from him. Diamond Dogs’ sub-commander was devastated and Snake acted as though it was old news. For a split second, Kazuhira almost dropped his cane to attempt wrangling him by his throat. The thought left just as quickly as it came, though. All of his rancor diminished in an instant as the weight of his long lost lover’s words crushed him. It took every bit of his strength, which he had very little of by then, to stop that mound caught in his windpipe from developing into something far worse.

“Well, if that’s the case, I only have one thing left to ask,” he spoke, quiet and disconnected.

Snake didn’t look at him at first. He didn’t want to, but he understood that Kaz wasn’t going to continue if he didn’t. Ishmael practically tore himself away from the bottle as his blue orb met the XO’s pair.

Kazuhira couldn’t help but brace himself the second time Big Boss looked at him. Ten years later and he still got goosebumps. Pitiful.

Resting his cane on the side of the counter, Kaz swallowed the lump stuck in his throat for a third time. He stood still for a moment before leaning against the bar and slowly removing his aviators. The brief look of shock from his ex didn’t go unnoticed when the brunette saw how bad his eyes were. It left Snake confused, but now wasn’t the time to ask about it. What he saw next was the hurt and anguish plastered across Miller’s face as he scowled down at him. He was right, he truly didn’t register how much damage he caused.

“Do you regret it,” the younger of the two started, just barely, visibly trying not to let the waterworks run. “Do you regret it even the slightest bit?”

It was a loaded question, a very heavily loaded question, but it was one Snake was prepared for all the same. He already had the answer from the moment he climbed on his bike and left. Big Boss could keep his eye on Kazuhira then, face the pain in his shrouded gaze, because it had been one of the few things he’d hoped to tell the man after all this.

“I do regret it, yes. Every single day. I regret leaving everyone else behind. I regret abandoning everyone after we had already lost everything. But most of all I regret bailing out on you, Miller. You were the one good thing I had and I tossed you, us down the drain. That’s why I’m here now, drinking myself into a stupor. I can’t go back, I can’t change what I’ve done, and it’s been haunting me ever since.”

Kaz stared at him for a long time after hearing him say that. He had braced himself for a “no,” not a long-winded “yes.” It never even crossed his mind that Snake would’ve carried so much shame over it. After so long he thought the man desensitized himself to any negative events thrown at him, when in reality it was quite the opposite. Ishmael hurt, maybe as much as Kazuhira did, and the blonde thought he’d pass out just thinking about that being a possibility.

There was more Big Boss wanted to say thereafter. Too much, perhaps, but alcohol is always prone to making people do things they don’t normally do. Such as spilling out all their pent up emotions.

“You hate me, I know that,” the brunette proceeded. “You have every right to. What I’ve done is far beyond horrible, and you didn’t deserve you be treated in such a way. You’ve given up so much for my sake, and not once have I given back. You’ve built me up from the day we joined forces, and my gift in return was nothing but abandonment. You’ve tried to get me to open up, and I never told you a damn thing, while you poured your heart out to me.”

Snake was beginning to shake. Kaz could hear the bottle scrape against the wooden counter ever so slightly as the other man went on.

“You made a deal that would have cost you god knows what in exchange for money, for _our _ business to get up and off its feet. You were honest with me after ZEKE, and by the end of it all you fought your damnedest to try and stop Cipher from destroying the very thing you and I had grown together!”

Miller heard his voice raise some towards the end of that. It was anger, he could say that much, but not anger towards the man he was speaking to. The anger was directed to himself.

“You’ve done everything for my sake and your own! And what have I fucking done? Not a goddamn thing! For that, I’m- I’m sorry! For never putting in any effort! For throwing everything we had in the trash! For- For hurting you so much that you can’t even function properly anymore! I’m sorry, Kaz!”

He was crying by the time he finished. All of his remorse spilled out all at once and Snake hid his face. He hated it when he cried or when he showed any kind of emotion, but it welled up beyond a point he could contain it.

Miller was shocked, really. Which then faded into pain. He desperately wanted to muster up more anger. Kazuhira even tried convincing himself that Big Boss was trying to guilt trip him. This was far too sincere for it. The only times the blonde ever knew Ishmael to cry was when he was having a horrible episode. Watching as this brought the brunette to tears was almost… grounding. Like Big Boss wasn’t the real culprit here, or his reason for leaving wasn’t the truth.

Whatever Kaz was thinking, he got dragged out of it when Big Boss angled his head toward him. His eye was a little puffy despite seeming to have calmed himself down somewhat. If the XO thought that voice was hoarse before, there’s no telling what he would think of it now.

Big Boss’ tone came through quiet and meek; tired and frail, alternatively. Exhausted might’ve been better, but nonetheless it sounded god awful. He powered through it to say one last thing that had been weighing on him.

“...I still love you, you know? I’m certain you’ll never feel the same again, but I want you to know that I’ve missed you all this time.”

Miller froze up just as soon as those words hit his ears. That, of all things, was the least expected. It knocked the air out of his lungs just as quickly as it made his stomach curl in on itself. Why wasn’t this reunion going how he planned it? Why was he saying all of these things now? What made them sound so genuine, and why couldn’t he believe it?

Kazuhira’s focus remained on the only other man in the room while he continued trying to process what he heard. Every negative emotion he felt towards Big Boss was long gone and he hated it. He didn’t come all the way out here to make amends, he came all the way out here to tear this opposing threat down. Kaz threw everything in his face and he didn’t even fight back. After what all the both of them went through and Snake wasn’t defending himself. The younger blonde pushed every button he could think of, and yet…

And yet…

Kaz was supposed to be furious with him right now. The only emotion he should’ve felt was rancor. And yet, he was getting nothing but the opposite. Both Snake and Miller worked so hard, only to have all of that work burned to the ground and the two of them forced apart. Now they come back together, one prepared for an ugly truth and receiving something completely different. Big Boss apologized. He felt bad for what had happened, he carried guilt despite what his old comrade thought and it tackled him like a football player. It felt like Snake never wanted to leave, or at the very least he hoped it wouldn’t have been an option. Miller thought it was his fault, and yet… 

He couldn’t take it anymore. Each old feeling he thought was buried so deeply resurfaced simultaneously. His old lover missed him just as much as Kazuhira did and he couldn’t bear it. Miller’s aviators dropped on the counter with a soft clatter as he raised his arm. He needed Snake again, needed to _feel_ Snake again, regardless of his own good judgement. His hand wrapped around the back of Ishmael’s neck to pull him closer as his mouth crashed against his hungrily. His action definitely took the brunette by surprise, letting out a yelp as it happened. 

It took his former boss some time to register what was taking place, though once he did he wasn’t slow about leaning into the kiss. He acted just as desire driven as Kaz did, making it sloppier the longer it went on. The hand he had gripped onto his beer found its way around Miller’s back, desperate to pull him in as close as he could. Kazuhira had forgotten what it felt like to have his past boss’ beard pressed to his face. Rough, scratchy, but in all the best ways.Teeth knocked into teeth once or twice before the two eventually slowed down, reluctantly at first. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies just like they used to. Snake let him slip in his tongue, the taste of cigar smoke and alcohol ever present. The two were never good by themselves, let alone combined, but if it wasn’t comfortingly familiar to the XO he honestly didn’t know what was.

Kaz had to force himself to pull away, just far enough to be able to breathe once more. His hand had since slid up to Snake’s shoulder, resting rather than pushing him away. He didn’t mean for the reunion to go this way, though in spite of that it felt like exactly what he needed. He felt Big Boss press his forehead to his and heard him sigh. It was heavy, maybe even sorrowful, but it made him sound fatigued either way. Miller kept his voice in a low murmur when he inevitably broke the weighted silence both of them fell under.

“I've missed you too, and I do still love you, but we can’t… We can’t do this again. I’m not helping you build your- Outer Heaven, if that’s what you’re calling it, and I can’t…”

“I know,” Ishmael responded, just as softly. “I’m not expecting you to. But I’m glad you came out here. I’m glad I got to see you again.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m on Tumblr (shagohorrid) and Twitter (zenrock12) feel free to yell


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